Ramblings // Overcoming Stress & Perfectionist Tendencies

Today has been kind of a hard day.

I slept in and while I don't like to make myself feel bad for taking extra time to catch up on rest when  I need it, it doesn't help the inevitable feeling of being stressed out that now I am behind and it's nearly impossible to catch up on several hours of work. And it seems like no matter what I do, it's not good enough. I'm not doing good enough. I'm not doing enough. I'm not enough. I messed up. I'm a failure.

I was watching a Ted Talk because that's what I do most of the time while I'm making the same products over and over. And at the end of the last one I watched, she was talking about teaching people to learn to take care of themselves. She said a simple step was to tell yourself nice things when you look in the mirror. And if that's hard, to get a picture of yourself as say, a 6 year old and talk to that person. The point of it was to build a relationship with a person inside you that feels vulnerable. And to learn to love them and take care of them instead of shame them and put them down.

That clicked.

I had been putting myself down all morning. I thought maybe the solution was to work even harder or be positive about not being so behind. But I think it's deeper than that. I think to get to the root of the problem, I have to deal with this issue of me thinking I'm not doing good enough and as a result, that I'm a failure because of it. And mostly because I have this massive, impossible to do list that I know I probably won't finish today anyways. I chose to take care of myself and as a result, I am behind on all of the things I want to do. I made up this story in my head that if I don't accomplish everything I've set out to do on my to do list (even when it's impossibly long), I'll never be successful. I start comparing myself to others and I start to think about all of the things I HAVEN'T done, completely disregarding any work I already have accomplished even if it's worthy of recognition.

When I write all of these feelings out, it seems so pointlessly mean to expect so much of someone and then chastise them when they inevitable fail or let you down. And I think it's especially mean to do that to myself. It's hurtful and hard for me to overcome. It'll ruin my entire day if I let it. And for what?

So I imagined little 6 year old me inside, feeling beaten down and discouraged. I pictured myself as the mean, critical adult that has been making her feel that way and took responsibility for it. Which made me feel incredibly awful. So I decided instead of berating her for not accomplishing the impossible, I was going to take care of her, to love on her, show her compassion, encourage her, and let her know that she is beautiful and loved no matter what. To let her know that I know that I know she is trying her best (this is a hard one for me). And also that everything she accomplishes will be exactly what she needs to. Maybe the key is to drop the expectations I have for myself, to let go of those perfectionist tendencies. I think it's great that I'm so driven and motivated to complete all of these tasks and goals. However, I don't have to feel like a failure because of the few things I won't be able to complete today. That doesn't make me who I am and that won't keep me from success. Besides, there are plenty of other things I'll get to do today if I don't beat myself down and pressure myself to finish the impossible. Like play with my daughter. Spend a Friday night with my family. Maybe watch a movie or go for a walk. It is Friday after all and I deserve to have a break.

I am enough. I am doing enough and it's always the best that I can. It's ok to take time to take care of myself. And it's ok to take it slow. It's also ok to not complete ALL of the items on your to-do list. Be easy on yourself. Love yourself.

It's all going to be ok.

And something that I heard in the Tony Robbins documentary I just watched was that, it's important to remember that it is all bigger than you. It's important to have faith in higher powers and realize that the universe works *through* you so everything is exactly on time. You don't have to know all the answers, you just have to trust and flow with it. Everything is exactly how it should be.